She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
