There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Houston, we have a squirter
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize