i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
