I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
