She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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