I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
