Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
