How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
