There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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