after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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