Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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