you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
