Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
