Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
