K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
