smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
