when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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