Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
