i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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