dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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