Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
