Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
