I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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