I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
