OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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