Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
