If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
