i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
