I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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