i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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