so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
