I am puke
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
