This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
