Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
