...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
