Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
