ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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