Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I would ride that face into the sunset
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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