I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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