My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
