Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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