I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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