oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
