Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
