I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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