there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
