my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
