you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
