So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
