i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
