She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
