I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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