I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
