Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
