Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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