We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize