He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
