My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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