remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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