dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
