just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
