Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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