She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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