i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
