I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
