At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize