I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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